Social responsibility has its limits

By HARRISON HEYL
Here I thought I was a good guy. I invest in a socially responsible 401(K). I write my political representatives. I protest war. I save spiders from drowning by carefully removing them from the shower, performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when necessary, nursing them back to health over a period of months, retraining them to hunt in their natural environment and then releasing them into the wild.

But the National Arbor Day Foundation wouldn’t let me be. They recently sent me some literature recently that informed me that much of the coffee we drink is grown on plantations where the rainforest has been clear-cut and hacked to shreds. Arbor Day sells a brand of fair-trade coffee that is rainforest-safe, for which the farmers are paid a decent wage and are not exposed to harmful pesticides.

I really wanted to like this coffee, I really did. But, regrettably, to my palate these coffee beans tasted more like French-roasted thyroid glands.

So we canceled future orders and went back to clear-cuttin’ coffee. I say clear-cut the rainforests, contribute to the extinction of endangered species, pay the farmers nothing, spray the bejeezus out of ’em with pesticides — do what you have to do to get me a decent cup of coffee. Maybe when I’ve perked up, I’ll send a donation to Save the Rainforests.

OK, OK, take it easy. The truth is, I switched to tea. But then people — mostly coffee drinkers who didn’t want to quit — told me, you better research your tea, make sure it’s not clear-cutting forests and exploiting farmers. And they’re right, I should. Unfortunately, it takes two years of research and a master’s degree in Socially Responsible Caffeinated Beverages to find a politically correct libation. Now I’ve got to be like my dad, who will spend hours reading Consumer Reports to find the best thumbtacks.

But that’s the quandary we’re in. The division of labor in our society is so specialized, we no longer appreciate the true cost of the goods we purchase. If I had to make my own clothes instead of owning garments that use sweatshop labor, I’d be wearing loincloths. That is the only article of clothing I am capable of making myself (I’d have two, a casual one and another for dressy occasions).

Fortunately, there are a growing number of resources to help us sort all this out. There are now Web sites devoted to socially responsible investing, fair trade, environmentally safe products and free-range pasta.

But there are some things I’m not prepared to do. There are limits to my willingness to sacrifice my personal desires in exchange for taking the moral high ground.

For example, my favorite football team once traded away a future Hall of Fame defensive end because he allegedly urinated on a teammate’s car and had temper tantrums. He had “character” problems. They’ve never been able to replace him, and they’re losing as a result.

See, I don’t care about character when it comes to football. Call it my moral low ground, but I don’t want to sign the pope or the Dalai Lama as our defensive end just because they are “high character” guys. Sure, they have character, but do you know what the Dalai Lama’s time in the 40-yard dash is? Fifteen minutes! That is not going to get the job done. Granted, he can bench press 225 pounds about 20 times — at least that’s what it was when I used to spot him — and he has nice abs, but he does not make plays on the field, he cannot pressure the quarterback, and that’s the bottom line for me.

So I guess my point is that it’s fine and dandy to be socially responsible and try to make the world a better place, but let’s also recognize there are limits to what can reasonably be expected when it comes to football or tea. Fortunately, I am pleased to report that I’ll be the guy you see walking around in fair-trade loincloths. You’re welcome to join me.

Harrison Heyl is a frequent Beacon contributor. We do not want to see him walking around in a loincloth, fair-trade or not.