Columbus Day and other crazy holidays
By HARRISON HEYL

One thing I love about autumn is the holidays. They’re so distinctive. Obviously, there’s Thanksgiving. If you’re lucky, you have all four days off and some of the best food, drink and family infighting you’re liable to have all year long. You’ve got Halloween, an ideal time to cross-dress and act like you’re just kidding. Then you have Labor Day: more DUIs than any other day of the year!

But the wackiest holiday of all is on the second Monday of October: Columbus Day. I’m sure we all have fond memories of growing up and learning about the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. In school, we commemorated the holiday with special activities, like making tiny replicas of Columbus’ ships out of walnut shells and Rolaids, or by eating paste.

But the truth is, we need more honesty out of this holiday. When Columbus went west, he was looking primarily for gold, and when he didn’t find enough, he reportedly took Native Americans as slaves. Arawak Indians who didn’t collect enough gold for Columbus and his men had their hands cut off.

I think in all fairness, the holiday should feature activities that reflect the reality. For example:

In schools, have children take a fresh stalk of celery and lay it on the table. Pretend the leafy top is the hand of an Arawak Indian, and the stalk is the arm. Chop the leafy-hand-part off of the stalk while shouting, “Next time, maybe you’ll work harder to bring us gold!”

Originally, Columbus Day was named a national holiday because Italian-Americans needed a holiday. Every nationality needs a holiday. We declared Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday for blacks, and in California, the Legislature recently declared March 31 Cesar Chavez Day to throw the Latino community a bone.

I just think we could choose a better Italian-American than Columbus.

San Francisco is on the right track. The Board of Supervisors recently passed a resolution declaring May 19, 2002, Enrico Banducci Day. There’s your Italian-American. Granted, Mr. Banducci’s major accomplishment appears to have been founding a burger joint named Clown Alley, but he didn’t enslave anyone that I’m aware of, so let’s hear it for Enrico.

I think it’s a shame women aren’t more represented in the holidays. However, things are changing: President George Bush the elder declared March 10 Harriet Tubman Day in 1990, and the New York Legislature is considering making it a state holiday. She led the Underground Railroad, but what’s really important is that Harriet was a foxy lady about 5’7”, 120 pounds, with a 36-24-36 figure. Her turn-ons were good looks, honesty and a sense of humor, while her turn-offs were vanity and superficial people. See? Women are making progress these days.

But animals are a different story. There’s Turkey Day and Groundhog Day, but what about the other animals? Reptiles are grossly underrepresented, and as for fish, it’s obscene, really, how underrepresented they are. I’ll take a sturgeon over a groundhog any day of the week. I’d even go with a perch.

Memorial Day. Veterans Day. Independence Day. These holidays have something of a militaristic character to them. You’ve got your bombs bursting in air and whatnot. I don’t want to seem unpatriotic, but can’t we get a paid day off for someone who stands for nonviolence? Remember, MLK counts as a black hero. Sure, people will argue he’s a peace figure, too, but that’s just conservatives trying to count two liberal things as one statistically and rob us of another paid holiday. Peace Day and Earth Day are two days that should unquestionably be paid days off.

So I encourage you to write your representatives and demand it. But not on the second Monday of October. Take the day off, and have a happy, peaceful, eco-friendly Italian-American Sturgeon/Perch Day.

Whatever its origin, Harrison Heyl will be enjoying a paid holiday Monday.